The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi
by Novelist Pup
Summary: Sasuke's over hating Itachi, now it's all about winning his heart. And Naruto's going to help. [Uchihacest]
1. Prologue

**The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi **

Hi. I'm Kaza, the author of this fanfic.

This fic was written on August 20th, 2006. And, as you may also realize, it's also an ItaSasu of an odd caliber.

Actually, I lie.

This fic _sucks_. It _sucks_ more than a vacuum. It _sucks_ more than a black hole.

You know that chick in your school that was a total slut and gave more head than a twenty-buck whore with a coupon? Not even _close_ to how much this fic **sucks**.

Do yourself a favor. Don't read it. _Please_. D:

I'm not deleting it because it's my first multi-chaptered fic to make it to ten chapters and it shows how far I've come in writing.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! DON'T READ THIS FIC, PLEASE.**

* * *

**Prologue**

"Naruto, I can't do this anymore."

Naruto looked up from his ramen to stare at his best friend as he sighed wistfully. He laid down his chopsticks and faced Sasuke.

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.

"I can't hate Itachi anymore." Sasuke replied. Naruto rolled his eyes; they had this conversation so many times already.

"Then don't hate him." Naruto said and picked up his chopsticks again.

"But, I love him, and I want him to love me to!" Now that was unexpected. Naruto and Sasuke always had the talk about 'How Sasuke couldn't hate Itachi anymore' but never the 'I love Itachi and want him to return my feelings' talk.

"O…kay?" Naruto asked slowly, edging towards his ramen slowly.

"I know it's sick and all, but I can't help it!" Sasuke said, the hint of a whine almost coming into his voice. Naruto just stared at him and coughed discreetly.

"No, it's not really sick and all, but I'm wondering one thing: Why are you telling me this?" Naruto said, playing with the noodles in his bowl.

Sasuke stared at him like he was stupid.

"Naruto, you are aware that you are pretty much every guy's walking wet dream, correct?" Sasuke asked, the most serious look ever on his face. Naruto choked on his ramen and began coughing spastically.

"W-WHAT?!" Naruto wheezed out, his throat still itching. Sasuke sighed, running his fingers through his bangs.

"I knew it. Naruto, every guy our age within a 20 mile radius has a crush on you. I used to have a crush on you even! Well, until the… you know." Sasuke mumbled a slight blush on his cheeks. Naruto was shocked. But not shocked speechless.

"So, there are actually people who have a crush on me?" Naruto asked.

"Yes. They are mostly guys though." Sasuke replied.

"Even Konohamaru has a crush on me?" Naruto was getting freaked now.

"I wouldn't go that far. He's a minor." Sasuke said, frowning at the sick expression on Naruto's face.

"Right. So, what do I have to do with you and your brother?" Naruto changed the subject, seeing as how he couldn't take the previous train of thought before.

"Change the subject, like a coward." Sasuke remarked, smirking at the enraged Naruto.

"I don't have to help you, you know!" Naruto growled. The smirked instantly dropped and Sasuke folded his hands and put them on the counter.

"That's better. Now, can you please tell me what I have to help you with?" Naruto asked. Sasuke sighed and faced Naruto with an oddly determined look.

"I need you to help me seduce Itachi."

**End Prologue**

Well, that's the prologue. There's most likely more to come. Half the plot's already been thought out. I hope you enjoyed.


	2. Locating Uchiha Itachi

**The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi **

Well, this seems to be quite a good story. I've haven't gotten one bad remark yet. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

**Disclaimer: You know what? This is going to be the general disclaimer for the whole story! I don't own anything! **

**-----------------------------------------**

**Chapter One: Locating Uchiha Itachi **

"You want me to _WHAT_!"

Sasuke shook his head to get rid of the headache that showed up because of Naruto's loud remark.

"I need you to help me seduce Itachi." Sasuke repeated. Naruto stared at him and then looked at his ramen.

"Did they put something in your ramen?" Naruto asked, poking at the bowl. Sasuke slapped his hand away and sighed again.

"I understand if you don't want to help me. So, I'll just go angst in my giant empty house and cut my wrist and tomorrow don't bother coming to my house. I won't be there." Sasuke mumbled as he laid the money down for the ramen and proceeded to walk towards the exit. Naruto frowned and cursed under his breath.

"Wait Sasuke. I'll help you. Just… don't do anything stupid, okay?" Naruto said, paying for his ramen and walking out with Sasuke. Sasuke smirked.

"Okay then Sasuke, what do I have to do?" Naruto asked as they walked down the street.

"Well, I need to know about how to gain someone's heart." Sasuke said.

"I'm not sure if I can really help you with that…" Naruto replied warily. Sasuke stared at him for an incredibly long time without blinking.

"Okay! I'll attempt! Just blink for God's sake!" Naruto growled, not amused at the almost-smile on Sasuke's face.

"So, tell me Naruto, what do you think I have to do to gain his heart?" Sasuke asked. Naruto thought about it.

"Why don't you send him a card expressing your feelings and all that crap?" Naruto suggested. Sasuke looked pensive.

"Well, we have nothing else, so let's try that." Sasuke said and they went to Sasuke's house where he wrote the letter on pretty heart-print paper and was prepared to send it.

"Um Sasuke?" Naruto asked as they went to the post-office.

"What?"

"Where does Itachi even live?"

That stopped all progress right there. Sasuke stared at him and sighed.

"Well, I don't know."

"Then how are you going to get the letter to him?" Naruto asked, not really taking in the glint in Sasuke's eye.

"Say, can't you summon your frogs?" Sasuke asked. Naruto blinked.

"Oh. I see what you want me to do know. But that would be quite abusive of my power, wouldn't it?" Naruto asked crossing his arms. Sasuke glared at him.

"Screw that! Don't you want me to experience true happiness and _not_ try to kill myself again like last week!" Sasuke growled. How Naruto didn't want last week to repeat.

**_LAST WEEK_**

Sasuke was on the ground bleeding from his wrists, repeating the same thing over and over again.

"_NOBODY LOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!"_

And then he cut his wrists one more time. At that time Naruto came in.

"Hey Sasuke! I brought some ramen-OH MY _GOD_!" Naruto screamed as he ran to Sasuke's limp body. Naruto, being blonde (no offense), only knew one way to help someone who was lying limp on the ground dying.

CPR.

"One- two- three! Breathe!" Naruto yelled as he did mouth to mouth on Sasuke. Blood filled his mouth as Sasuke sputtered back to life.

"I-Itachi?"

"No, it's Naruto."

"Well damn."

**_PRESENT TIME_**

Now that he thought about it, he should've known that Sasuke was in love with Itachi.

But last week was not going to happen again on Naruto's watch.

"Fine. I'll do it." Naruto grumbled. He summoned Gamakichi and gave him the letter, asking him to deliver it to Uchiha Itachi. The frog was off again with a 'poof'.

**-----------------------------------------**

**_In The Akatsuki Hideout_**

Itachi was enjoying a nice relaxing bath after his latest assassination. He relaxed fully and reminisced on how good life was.

"I wonder how my little brother is doing…" No sooner than he said that, an orange frog popped into the bathroom with a note in its mouth.

Itachi had the strangest urge to scream.

"Here, it's from the boss's friend or somethin'." The frog said, putting the letter on the edge of the bath.

Itachi stared. A talking frog. He was feeling just a bit faint at the moment.

"Um… Thank you?" Itachi said, unsure on what to do next.

"No problem. Enjoy your note." With that, the frog popped away. Itachi stared the flower-print note.

"Let's just read it." Itachi muttered to himself. He picked up the note and opened it.

_Itachi, _

_Love me. I love you. Love me back. I can't hate you anymore. So, I won't stop until you love me. Yeah. _

_Love, _

_Sasuke_

"Is he high?" Itachi said out loud.

_PS, _

_I'm not high._

"I'm sure Orochimaru did something to him." Itachi continued, crept out by the letter.

_PSS, _

_Orochimaru had absolutely nothing to do with this._

Itachi stared at the note a little longer and got out the tub. He got dressed quickly and pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen.

**-----------------------------------------**

**_Back In Konoha_**

Sasuke stared in glee at the unopened letter he held in his hand. Naruto was getting quite annoyed with Sasuke's prancing.

"Just open the goddamned letter!" Naruto growled from between clenched teeth. Sasuke sneered at him and opened the letter. He then read it out loud.

"_Dearest Sasuke, _

_You're smoking that chronic aren't you? Because there is absolutely no way possible you can love me. No way. So, just remember to hate me and everything shall come out fine. _

_Sincerely, _

_Itachi _

_PS, _

_GET AWAY FROM THAT CHRONIC!_"

Naruto and Sasuke were silent for five minutes straight. Until Naruto proclaimed:

"We're gonna need back up for this."

**END Chapter **

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Well, that was fun. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. In the next chapter, Naruto employs the help of two people to help Sasuke's love life, and Naruto finds a brother-figure in an unexpected person.


	3. Serenading Uchiha Itachi

**The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi **

Yes, I am updating rather fast. No, I really don't care. You shouldn't either if you like this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

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**Chapter Two: Serenading Uchiha Itachi**

Sasuke nodded dumbly after Naruto's comment, unable to say anything due to being shocked stupid by the blunt letter. They ended up at a large compound, which looked incredibly familiar to Sasuke.

"Sasuke, I'm sorry, but if you really love Itachi then you shouldn't be mad at me for this…" Naruto said, looking suspiciously nervous. Sasuke narrowed his eyes and nodded slightly. Naruto sighed and turned towards the gate.

"Hey! NEJI!" Naruto yelled into the compound. Sasuke's eyes widened as he took a step back.

"Oh _hell_ no! I'm not taking any help from the Hyuuga!" Sasuke growled as he attempted to do an about-face but ended up facing Neji instead.

"Help with what, Uchiha?" Neji asked, the ever-present smirk on his face. Sasuke glared back.

"None of your business, Hyuuga." Sasuke sneered. Naruto hugged Neji tightly.

"Hi Neji!" Naruto greeted joyfully.

"Hello Naruto. Now, why do you need my presence?" Neji asked, smiling sweetly at Naruto. Sasuke glared.

"I told you Hyuuga! It's none of your-" Naruto cut him off.

"Sasuke needs help gaining his brother's heart." He said. Sasuke flinched and waited for the scheduled disgust.

And waited.

And waited some more.

"Wait- You're not disgusted with me?" Sasuke asked, incredulous. Neji shook his head.

"Of course not. It's nice to know that I now won't have a rival for a… certain someone's affections. Besides, I'm just surprised that you even know what 'love' means." Neji said, smiling darkly. Sasuke smiled back, just as darkly and Naruto stood in the middle wondering what the hell was going on.

"So Neji, here's the deal. Me and Sasuke-"

"Sasuke and I." Neji corrected.

"Right. Whatever. Sasuke and I sent him a card expressing all his love and crap. Itachi's response wasn't really what we were hoping for in the least." Naruto said as he pulled the card out Sasuke's pocket and gave it to Neji. Neji's pupil-less eyes scanned over the note until handing it back to Naruto.

"Somehow, I'm not surprised at Itachi's response." Neji said.

"How?" Naruto asked.

"Well, how would you react if your last living family member suddenly said he loved you?" Neji asked. Naruto laughed.

"Alrighty then! Will you help us?" Naruto asked. Neji nodded and Naruto whooped.

"C'mon Sasuke! Let's get our next helper!" Naruto said, pulling Sasuke along by the hand as they went into the village marketplace.

"Hey! Hey, Gaaaaaara!" Naruto said, spotting a familiar head of red hair. Sasuke and Neji looked up and said at the same exact time:

"Gaara?"

Gaara walked up to their little group, smiling a little at Naruto. Naruto hugged him too, and Sasuke sniggered a bit at the jealous look on Neji's face.

"Gaara! Can you help us?" Naruto said. Gaara looked up and just noticed Sasuke and Neji on either side of Naruto. He narrowed his eyes and faced Naruto again.

"Anything for you Naruto. What do you need my help with?" Gaara asked. Naruto brightened up.

"Oh thanks Gaara! Well, Sasuke is trying to gain his brother's heart and Itachi thinks otherwise so we're trying to help him out a bit." Naruto explained in one long breath. Gaara looked relieved at the prospect of Sasuke loving someone else.

"Okay. I'll help." And then they all journeyed the two minute trip to Sasuke's house where they planned and planned.

**-----------------------------------------**

**_One Hour Later_**

"Okay, I got nothing. How about you guys?" Naruto asked, running his fingers through his bangs. Sasuke groaned.

"Nothing." Neji sighed.

"Same here." Gaara blinked.

"How about a serenade?" Everyone looked up at him.

"A serenade?" Naruto asked. Gaara nodded.

"Yes. Sasuke can sing to Itachi outside his window to prove how much he loves him. Then we'd be doing something fairly illegal (since we're trespassing on someone's property) and that should prove something in the least." Gaara explained, everyone giving thought to this.

"It's crazy enough to work! Now, I've got the perfect song too!" Naruto proclaimed, his infamous fox grin stretching across his face.

"What?" The other three asked at the same exact time, much to their annoyance.

"You are going to sing… 'Cotton-eyed Joe'!" Naruto said, the blank looks on everyone's face finally hitting him.

"Wait, you don't know the song 'Cotton-eyed Joe'?" Naruto asked slowly. All three of them shook their heads.

"Man, you guys must have been socially repressed or something!" Naruto stated, forgetting he was talking to an emo teenager that used to be bent on revenge, an emo teenager that has something against his family in general, and a demon-host murderer. Socially repressed indeed.

"Well, this is how it goes. Sasuke, is there a fiddle in here or somewhere?" Naruto asked, the look on Sasuke's face at the mention of a fiddle amusing the hell outta him.

"Yeah, I think it's in my closet." Sasuke mumbled. Neji smirked at him.

"Why do you have a fiddle Uchiha?" Neji taunted as Naruto jumped up to retrieve the fiddle.

"Because music soothes the beast inside." Sasuke replied seriously. Neji had nothing say to that.

"By the way, Gaara?" Sasuke asked. Gaara looked at him.

"What?" He asked.

"Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be in Suna?" Sasuke inquired.

"Plot-convenience." Was all Gaara said, and that was all they needed to know.

"Okay! Found it!" Naruto said. He then pushed it into Gaara's arms.

"Okay Gaara, you'll play this!" Gaara face was utterly stupefied. Naruto turned to Sasuke again.

"You got a banjo?" Naruto asked.

"…No." Sasuke replied, completely irked now.

"Fine, you got a guitar?"

"Yes. Under my bed." Sasuke said, happy at a more reasonable request.

"Alright!" And he ran to Sasuke's room again to get the required instrument. Neji didn't even ask.

"Okay, Neji, you play this one!" And Naruto gave Neji the guitar.

"So, this is how the song goes! You ready?" Naruto asked, satisfied with all three heads nodding.

"So, let's go!"

**-----------------------------------------**

**_Three Hours Later_**

Naruto had successfully pounded the song into their heads and now they were on their merry little way to the Akatsuki hideout, instruments in hand. They showed up at the window with purple curtains and knew it was Itachi automatically.

"All right, everyone. This is it!" Naruto prepped.

"Right." The other three said.

"Since we're in the property of a highly dangerous organization full of notorious murderers, we have an 89 percent chance of dieing. So what will your last words be?" Naruto said, smiling just as gleefully as before.

"Well, I'd say 'Screw the main family! Go to hell for all I care! Wait, better yet, I'll meet you there!' Yeah." Neji replied.

"Die daddy." Gaara growled.

"Love me in hell aniki!" Sasuke said. Naruto smiled and pointed at the spot right outside the window so Itachi could see them when he woke up.

"Let's get our equipment set up, okay?" Sasuke pulled Naruto away from the group for a moment.

"Naruto, may I ask a question?" Sasuke inquired with a fake sweet voice. Naruto shrugged.

"Sure. Do what you got to do." Sasuke's smile instantly dropped.

"What the hell does this song have to do with me attempting to gain Itachi's heart?" Sasuke asked with a dark voice.

"Simple. It talks about a pretty dude who breaks all the women's hearts and then is left surrounded by nothing but men. So, it's about a gay cowboy." Naruto explained. Sasuke twitched.

"That doesn't explain anything-"

"Yes it does. So go get your man, you Cock-sucking Cowboy, you!" Naruto said happily and pushed Sasuke to the middle of Neji and Gaara.

"And one-two-three, Start!"

**-----------------------------------------**

**_In Itachi's Room_**

Itachi was in the middle of a very important beauty sleep when the sounds of country music started to flow through his ears.

"What the hell-?" Itachi muttered as he opened his window to see his little brother singing a well-known gay cowboy song with two people he _knew_ Sasuke didn't associate with.

"_If it hadn't been for cotton-eye joe  
I'd been married long time ago  
Where did you come from. Where did you go?  
Where did you come from cotton-eye joe?"_

"In God's name…" Itachi swore as he leaned out the window to see a bit better.

"_He came to town like a midwinter storm  
He rode through the fields so handsome and strong  
His eyes was his tools and his smile was his gun  
But all he had come for was having some fun…_"

And when it was time for the guitar and fiddle solos, Itachi decided two things were for sure.

One: They were all fucking insane.

Two: Damn, those boys could play country music.

Gaara used the fiddle better than he used sand and one would not have been able to see Neji's fingers anyway, he was playing so well. Sasuke, Itachi never would've guessed Sasuke could even pull a southern accent, let alone a whole song.

But none of this was any excuse for interrupting Itachi's sleep. But someone beat him to the chase on telling them off.

"_SHUT THE HELL UP, _un!"

**End Chapter**

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Damn it all, this chapter totally suxxors! I didn't even get everything I wanted in yet… Man… Well, at least I got some emo bashing in. And I got in the line I've wanted to use for something for so, so long (cock-sucking cowboy)! In the next chapter: stuff happens, major character death (just kidding), and a boyslut. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, because I sure as hell didn't.


	4. Hugging Uchiha Itachi

**The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi**

Dude… This story's gotten popular! How hot is that? I even got cookies (WTF?)! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter as well.

**-----------------------------------------**

**Chapter Three: Hugging Uchiha Itachi**

"Who the hell was that?" Was the first thing to come out Naruto's mouth as a blonde figure stomped across the lawn to reach them.

"What the fuck are you brats doing here, un? Do you have some sort of suicide wish, un?" The blonde person asked, hands on his hips and flipping the ponytail on the top of his head. Naruto scoffed and mimicked his move.

"Actually, we're _trying_ to help our friend," Neji and Gaara coughed here. "Find true love! Or do you hate the very concept?" Naruto challenged, lips twitching at the end. The blonde smirked at him as well, fixing the hair that covered the entire right side of his face.

"I have nothing against love, un. I just have something against _people who interrupt my very important beauty sleep_, un!" The blonde growled. Sasuke groaned.

"Damn, this guy is worst than Naruto…" That earned him a glare from both blondes.

"So, what's your name? You repetitive moron." Naruto asked.

"Un? Deidara! What's yours, you short, loud idiot, un?" Deidara replied.

"Naruto. And I think we're going to have a bea-u-ti-ful relationship…" Naruto proclaimed, holding out his hand. Deidara didn't take his hand.

He gave him a hug. In which, Neji, Gaara, Sasuke, and Itachi (who was hanging out to window to check out the commotion) all stopped and went in complete unison:

"The fuck?"

"You know, un… I've known you for all of three minutes, yet you feel like the little brother I never had, un…" Deidara murmured into Naruto's hair. Naruto hugged him back, totally oblivious to the envious looks on Neji and Gaara's faces.

"Can I call you…Brother?" Naruto asked, feeling the happier than he's ever felt. _Ever_.

"Of course, un. I've always wanted a little brother, un."

"_NO YOU DON'T!_" Itachi yelled at Deidara, effectively cutting him off. Sasuke threw his microphone at Itachi.

"Shut up Aniki! Can't you see that this is a highly passionate moment? Let's join in on this passionate moment; all you have to do is love me!" Sasuke exclaimed. The microphone popped him exactly on the middle of his forehead. That shut up Sasuke for a while.

"Well, if we're over this totally gay moment of pseudo-brotherly love, then would you mind looking at the progress of our plan?" Gaara rudely commented, looking at the limp Sasuke with a bright red mark on his forehead. Naruto and Deidara winced.

"Ow, that had to hurt…!" Naruto said, examining the mark.

"Sorry to steal your line Naruto, but believe it…" Sasuke stated as he sat up, his head throbbing painfully on his forehead.

"So, since that one didn't work, does anyone else have a plan?" Naruto asked as he helped Sasuke stand up. Deidara raised his hand.

"Well, Itachi always does seem like a disgruntled person, un. Maybe you should try giving him a hug, un?" Deidara said. Sasuke sighed.

"We've serenaded and wrote him a letter. I think this might be one of the safer ideas." He said, massaging his abused forehead. At that very time, Itachi came downstairs in his red robe.

"What in God's name is going on here?" Itachi demanded, pulling his robe closer to himself due to Sasuke's wandering eyes.

"Well, Itachi, just stay still, un!" Deidara said. Itachi looked suspicious and stood rigidly still. And then he felt arms encircling him from behind.

Ninja instincts kicking in, he grabbed the arms and flung them across the yard, along with whatever was connected with the limbs.

"Dude… No wonder he was able to kill the entire Uchiha clan…" Naruto mumbled as he watched Sasuke's body fly across the lawn. He landed with a thud and Itachi was surprised for all of five seconds before not caring anymore.

"He had it coming." Neji and Gaara smirked. He sure did.

"Sasuke, un! Try it one more time!" Deidara yelled. Sasuke, not being known for backing down, got up and swaggered a bit before running towards Itachi at record speed, his arms wide open.

He did not count on Itachi's fist meeting him first.

"Damn… I think he just punched Sasuke's eye in a few inches…" Naruto stated as Sasuke fell to the ground again.

"You know… Naruto… I… don't need… a goddamn… play-by-play… commentary…" Sasuke rasped out in his pain. He sat up and everyone, even Itachi, winced in unison.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke asked, not knowing why everyone was staring at him. Itachi sighed.

"Little brother, I am aware that I've gone too far this time. Please follow me." Itachi said as he pulled Sasuke's aching body off the ground. They went inside and Neji counted the seconds.

"Five… four… three… two… one…"

"OH MY GOD! MY SKIN! _MY PRECIOUS SKIN!_" Was the cry that rang through the entire hideout.

"Well, it seems like he found out about the black-eye, no?" Gaara asked, smirking gleefully almost.

"Sure does." Neji responded, just as happy as Gaara. Naruto and Deidara were too busy trading facts about themselves.

"What's your favorite food, un?" Deidara asked.

"Ramen!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Omigod, un! That's mine too, un!" Deidara stated too. They stared at each other for ten seconds before hugging each other again.

"I love you, brother…" Neji and Gaara both felt their hearts clench painfully. That's when Sasuke and Itachi decided to come down; no proof there was ever a purple mark on Sasuke's 'precious skin'.

"Well, I'm going to bed, and if any of you morons try to make me up, I'll freaking kill you." Gaara looked disgruntled.

"That's my line." He stated. Itachi stared at him with a look that clearly stated: '_Do I look like I give a fuck?'_

So Itachi went to bed and the group of five walked back to Sasuke's house to plan.

"Um, how did the redundant blonde end up coming with us?" Sasuke asked when they got into his house. Neji scoffed.

"Naruto's been with us the whole time." Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"You know what I mean." Sasuke said.

"It seems that Naruto and the other blonde have established a 'brotherly relationship'. I hope it doesn't end up like yours." Gaara commented. Sasuke flipped him off.

"Hey, un! Sasuke! I've found someone who might be able to help us, un!" Deidara proclaimed from his spot next to Naruto. Sasuke twitched.

'_We?'_

"Is… that so?" Sasuke asked slowly. Deidara nodded, and cupped his hands together as he faced the window.

"_IS TOBI A GOOD BOY!"_ He screamed. There was a thundering sound as the door slammed open for everyone to see a black-haired boy panting with a mask hanging off his neck. He looked up and grinned.

"Yes! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

**END Chapter **

**-----------------------------------------**

Well, I hope this was a bit better. I liked writing this chapter more than the last one. No one ever expresses DeiNaru relationships that much, not even friendship or brotherly, and that bothered me. So, I made it happen, since it's very possible. This story has also attracted the attention of non-yaoi lovers, yay. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	5. Wooing Uchiha Itachi

**The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi**

Five chapters straight, awesome. This chapter _will_ rock your socks. It actually won't if you don't like Tobi and/or Masochist-Sasuke (wtf? Of course he's a masochist!). But hey, everyone likes Tobi!

**-----------------------------------------**

**Chapter Four: Wooing Uchiha Itachi**

"Someone please explain to me what's going on?" Sasuke asked, his body twitching at the boy on his _favorite_ chair.

"Ah, Tobi is sorry. Tobi didn't mean to scare you; just Tobi has to be a good boy…" The boy, supposedly named Tobi said. Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"So, what happens if you're not a good boy?" Naruto asked. Tobi's face scrunched up in pain and he gripped his head in agony.

"_TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!_" He screamed. Sasuke slapped him.

"Don't you scream in my house. I think you've woken up the entire village, and I _don't_ want anyone to come in here and see that I have Akatsuki members helping me plan something." Sasuke scolded. Tobi looked down shamefully.

"Alright. Tobi will not scream." Tobi said. Sasuke almost smiled and settled on patting Tobi's head, despite the fact that Tobi was probably older than him.

"So, Tobi, un! We need your help, un!" Deidara said. Tobi smiled at him.

"Tobi will do anything for Deidara. Just give Tobi the word." Tobi said with a dreamy voice. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

'_Why is it that most blondes have that obvious crush that they're completely oblivious to?'_ Sasuke asked himself, watching the way Tobi gazed at Deidara.

"Okay, Sasuke here needs help gaining Itachi's heart, un. They've tried many things, but haven't gotten that successful, un. And I know you're pretty good in the love department, un?" Deidara asked. Tobi nodded vigorously.

"Yes! Tobi is very good in love! Tobi is willing to help Sasuke because Sasuke is fami-" And then Tobi shut up. Sasuke glared at him.

"Continue what you were saying…" He demanded. Tobi shook his head.

"Tobi can't. Tobi get in big trouble and becomes bad boy when in trouble. And Tobi is a good boy." Tobi said. Sasuke had to respect that, for to have a teenager speak in third person a entire conversation must've been a very traumatizing experience.

"So… Tobi, what should we do?" Naruto asked. Tobi scratched his chin.

"Did Sasuke try wooing Itachi yet?" He asked. Naruto shook his head.

"Then, have Sasuke give Itachi gifts! Tobi believes it might not be completely effective, but it might work." Tobi explained. Everyone looked thoughtful.

"Let's try it! Sasuke can't get injured this way, can he?" Naruto said. Sasuke rubbed his forehead subconsciously. Neji and Gaara, who were _very_ close to being forgotten in the plot, both put in their ideas.

"Well, maybe we should think about what Sasuke should give Itachi." Neji said.

"I agree, for we want Itachi to like it, right? So, let's think it out." Gaara also suggested.

"So, who knows Itachi the most?" Naruto asked. Everyone looked at Deidara and Tobi.

"What do you think we should get Itachi, brother?" Naruto inquired. Deidara thought for a moment.

"Maybe, we should send him candy, un. It might work, un." He suggested. Sasuke shrugged and went into the kitchen. He came back out with a pretty bar of chocolate.

"Will these do?" Sasuke asked, everyone looking at the box of candy.

"Sasuke! Don't you know about those chocolates?" Naruto asked, outraged. Sasuke shook his head.

"Those chocolates are the most expensive and delicious kind ever created in Konoha!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke slapped him.

"Don't yell in my house! And it's just a Hershey bar. What's so special about them? They cost fifty cent's at the store!" Sasuke said.

"Well, as much as I hate to agree with the Uchiha, he's right." Neji mumbled. Gaara nodded. And so, since writing every freaking detail of how they wrapped up the candy is most boring, the wrapped chocolate was put into Tobi's arms and he was pushed outside.

"Huh? Why does Tobi have to do this? Why Sasuke not do task?" Tobi asked nervously. Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other and smirked, and then turned back to Tobi.

"Tobi isn't being a good boy, now is he?" Sasuke asked, a cruel smile on his face. In the time-span of a second, Tobi was streaking down the road screaming "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

**-----------------------------------------**

**_At The Akatsuki Hideout_**

Itachi was finally getting to sleep after that little performance with his brother. Well, that is until his door was slammed open and no other than Tobi was in the frame, holding a wrapped package.

"Sasuke give you gift to accept love, Tobi deliver gift!" Tobi exclaimed, handing him the gift. Itachi looked at it warily and carefully opened it.

"Is… this a Hershey bar?" He asked out loud, holding up the chocolate bar. Tobi nodded hyperactively.

"Yes! Sasuke really wants Itachi's love!" Tobi said. Itachi handed him the car and then made a motion to get Tobi to come closer.

"I need you to relay a message for him, okay?" Itachi explained, smiling.

**-----------------------------------------**

**_At The Uchiha Compound_**

Tobi came through the door, munching on a chocolate bar. Sasuke jumped up and grabbed the collar of his robe.

"Did you eat the freaking chocolate before you got to him!" Sasuke growled. Tobi shook his head 'no'.

"Itachi gave Tobi candy. Itachi also sends Sasuke message." Tobi said. Sasuke let go of him and then looked at Tobi expectantly.

"Well? What is it?" Sasuke asked impatiently. Tobi wiped the remains of the chocolate on his robe and then faced Sasuke…

…And punched him in the jaw. To add fuel to the fire, Tobi spoke in the same exact tone of Itachi.

"'Foolish little brother, why do you not get the point? _You are not to love me!_ Stop this foolishness at once!'" He recited. Sasuke got up and rubbed his jaw. Deidara came up to him with a determined expression.

"Sasuke, are you willing to continue, un?" He asked. Sasuke winced and nodded.

"Then, we have already created the next plan, un! Tobi, un!" Deidara said. Tobi faced him with a giant grin on his face.

"Yes Deidara?" Tobi asked. Deidara looked at him with his one available eye.

"Would you mind sending these flowers to Itachi, un? I think it might work, un!" Deidara said, giving Tobi a bouquet of purple flowers.

"Tobi will do anything for Deidara! Tobi will most definitely deliver this to Itachi!" And Tobi was off. Sasuke, who's once fiery determination to win his brother's heart got even hotter, put an ice-pack to his abused jaw.

"Ready or not Itachi, you're going down!" Sasuke growled. Everyone stared at him and he quickly corrected himself.

"I mean going down in the throes of love!" And everyone went back to their own business.

**-----------------------------------------**

**_Twenty Minutes Later_**

Everyone was beginning to fall asleep, until the front door was slammed open and an enraged Itachi with a red nose stomped in, a panicked Tobi behind him.

"**SASUKE**!" Itachi's horribly nasally voice roared out. Sasuke thought for a moment, did Itachi's voice always sound that stuffed? Then Itachi came to his spot on the couch.

"YOU FOOL! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA TOWARDS WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!" Itachi thundered at Sasuke. Sasuke shook his head weakly.

"These are not my type of flowers I like! In fact, _I'M ALLERGIC TO THESE FLOWERS!_" Itachi growled through clenched teeth. Sasuke laughed weakly and threw a pointed glare at Deidara, who smiled sheepishly and hugged Naruto closer to him.

"Um…Oops, un?"

**End Chapter**

**-----------------------------------------**

I think I'm having too much fun beating up Sasuke as well (no offense Sasuke-lovers). Way too much fun. Anyway, I'm surprised with how long it took me to get this chapter out, seeing as how it took more than one day (a new feat!). I hope you enjoyed.


	6. Nursing Uchiha Itachi

**The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi **

Well then, a new chapter, a new character, and a new reason to puke because of this chapter. No one is opposing on the Sasuke-abuse, but I did get a request to not damage his face anymore. It's been done. Any more requests?

**-----------------------------------------**

**Chapter Five: Nursing Uchiha Itachi **

"Geez Deidara, you still screw up as much as ever." A voice called from behind Itachi. Everyone turned towards the door and saw an unfamiliar head of red hair.

Deidara squealed in delight.

"Sasori-no-danna! I thought you were dead, un!" Deidara remarked. Sasori shrugged.

"I was very dead. But you know… a little deal goes a long way." He said with a bored voice. Sasuke, who was attempting to get past Itachi, got a good look at Sasori.

"Hey, dude, are you high?" He asked, taking in the droopy eyes and relaxed face. Sasori shrugged again.

"I always look like this." And that answered every question in the world ever, except for the meaning of life and why Sasuke won't give up on Itachi. Naruto pulled Deidara to the side for a period of time as Tobi took on a distressed look.

"Tobi was just about to get laid too!" Tobi wailed as Sasori once again shrugged and sat down on the couch. Sasuke's eye twitched, why was everyone just letting themselves in?

Meanwhile, the two blondes were silently planning. Well, not so silently with Konoha's Loudest Ninja and Mr. Un-And-Danna-And-A-Bunch-Of-Other-Words-That-No-One-Really-Knows.

"Okay, so what do we do now?" Naruto asked. Deidara rubbed his hairless chin.

"Well, nothing that includes flowers obviously, un." He replied. Naruto thought real hard, and a metaphorical light bulb blinked in his head. Deidara got the same look on his face and they glanced at each other.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Naruto asked.

"Only if you're thinking what I'm thinking, un." Deidara said. They grinned deviously evil grins and plotted like they've never plotted before!

With an actual idea, gasp.

Now, back to the others. Itachi was currently walking upstairs to his old room, Sasuke, Sasori, and Tobi trailing after him.

"Why are you people following me?" He asked, voice still stuffed up. Sasuke attempted to talk but his brother cut him off with a simple:

"Shut up, Sasuke."

"Wow Itachi, no wonder he wants to kill you so much! You're the worst older brother I've ever seen!" Sasori exclaimed. Itachi shrugged and gave him the _'Do I look like I care?'_ look. And then, the allergies got the best of Itachi. As soon as he came into his room, his head immediately felt stuffy and he couldn't breathe.

Sasuke and Sasori were having a very angst-filled conversation and didn't notice Itachi's rapidly purpling face. Tobi, who was still moping about Sasori's return, came back to the real world as soon as Itachi was about to face-plant the floor.

"Itachi!" Tobi yelled out. Sasuke and Sasori both came out their conversation to see Tobi struggling with a limp Itachi.

"Oh Dear GOD! Itachi!" Sasuke screamed as he grabbed the body and laid it on the futon. Naruto and Deidara ran inside to see Itachi in a futon, barely breathing and Sasuke panting with Tobi. Sasori just shook his head and walked towards the door.

"This is the most dysfunctional family I've ever met! You, my angst-filled emo friend, are an even worst brother than Itachi. I hope you feel happy." He said with a disapproving shrug, and walked out. Deidara just smiled at his back and turned to Sasuke.

"Sasuke, un! We've got a fool-proof plan for you, un!" He exclaimed. Sasuke glared at him.

"Really? Like the last three?" Sasuke asked coldly. Deidara gazed at him with his one viewable eye and smirked.

"The last three weren't fool-proof, un. We never said they were, un." He replied. Sasuke opened his mouth to retort, but realized he was right. Damn that smart blonde.

"All right, what's the plan?"

**_ONE HOUR LATER_**

"Sasuke, un! You look absolutely fine, un! Don't worry, un!" Was the first thing Itachi heard as he came back to consciousness. Quickly followed by:

"What are you talking about! This is the most embarrassing thing since that kiss with Naruto!" A deep voice whined, making it sound least effective.

"Hey! I thought we agreed that we both liked it!" Another deep voice called out, indignant.

"That doesn't make it any less embarrassing!" The first deep voice growled back.

"Can we stop fighting, un? Let's get this show on the road, un!" The feminine voice called out.

"Dude, no one's said that since, like, the 90's in America…" The second deep voice said.

Needless to say, Itachi was very, very scared. He had no idea what to expect, and seeing as how he was one of the most notorious members of Akatsuki, then he'd better suck it up and prepare.

The door slammed open and-

"TA-DA, un!"

-there Sasuke was in a nurse outfit. Itachi didn't know whether to have a heart attack or faint of shock. Guess which one he chose.

"Damn it! I knew it wouldn't work out! He fainted!" Sasuke growled, fingering the skirt. Deidara and Naruto moved out the room, mumbling about emo kids and their ungratefulness, un. Sasuke sighed and sat on the floor next to the futon, smoothing out the wrinkles in his skirt.

And then, he did what he does best. Angst.

"Man, I'm such a screw up. I can't even love you right. All I'm doing is hurting both you and me, well more so me, but still. It's obvious you don't love me, and all I'm doing is writing a suicide note listening to those blondes. No matter how much I try, you still don't love me…" Sasuke sighed again and leaned back against the wall, sneaking a peek at Itachi's comatose body.

"Yet after all of this, I still love you… I'm such an idiot…"

"Damn straight."

Sasuke sat up and looked at Itachi's _almost_ smiling face. With just a bare hint of happiness.

"You heard me? Everything?" Sasuke choked out, shocked. Itachi shrugged.

"Yeah. So what? Doesn't that say something about your sanity, talking to assumed comatose people?" Itachi asked. Sasuke looked at him sadly and stood up. Walking towards the door in his nurse outfit, Sasuke turned his head towards Itachi.

"I'll be back with some medicine." He mumbled, words laced with angst. Itachi just shrugged. Sasuke was at the doorframe when Itachi's amused voice called him.

"Hey, Sasuke…" Sasuke turned around to see an actual _smile_ on Itachi's face.

"I love you Sasuke. Just not the way you want me to." Sasuke's shock only grew.

"You're my foolish little brother. And you're going to have to try a bit harder to gain my heart." Itachi finished, smirking his Uchiha Brand™ smirk. Sasuke smirked back.

"Oh, I'm not done yet." And he walked out. Itachi just shook his head and looked at the shadowy figure that was now at the door.

Wait- Shadowy figure at the door?

"Itachi, that moment was so gay."

**END Chapter **

**-----------------------------------------**

My god that was gay. And minimum Sasuke-abuse too, but it'll be back all right, the Sasuke-abuse. But, now Sasuke has a chance with Itachi. In the next chapter: More stuff happens, Sasori's accused of being high, and gayness. A lot of gayness. Gayness ahoy actually.

…But what can you expect from a yaoi fic? I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	7. Asking Uchiha Itachi

**The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi **

The Sasuke-abuse returns! I got a request for more Akatsuki members, so whoever asked for that (I'm sorry, my memory isn't that good) please be notified that it's been done. And, person who asked me not to make Itachi fall in love with his brother, I can't do that. It wouldn't very well be Uchihacest then, would it?

(But I will do this much for anyone who is against this holy matrimony; it'll be a while before there is some real action. Like a kiss.)

**-----------------------------------------**

**Chapter Six: Asking Uchiha Itachi**

"Fabio!" Itachi asked, shocked. The shadowy figure growled and stepped into the light.

"NO! It's Hidan!" Hidan said. Itachi's face fell and he leaned back into the pillows.

"Oh. Well, what do you want?" Itachi asked coldly, mentally screaming in anger because it wasn't really Fabio. Hidan just shrugged and sat on the futon next to Itachi.

"Well, you did make a lot of noise when you stormed out of the hideout. I guess I was just curious about what was going on. I didn't expect that you and your little bro were going out, though." Hidan said, grinning. Itachi scoffed haughtily.

"We're not going out! My little brother has it stuck in his head that he loves me more than a brother should, and I'm just giving him a chance because I hate to see him so distressed. He's still my brother, no matter what." Itachi said, smirking almost. Hidan looked thoughtful as he leaned against Itachi's side.

"So, even if he's accidentally brutally injured, he'll still be your little brother?" He asked. Itachi moved away from him and brought the covers over his head.

"You know what? Go away." He muttered from the covers. Hidan stood up and walked out into the sitting room where everyone was lounging. He saw Sasori sleeping on the couch, next to Tobi, who was twitching and mumbling "Tobi is a good boy…" in his sleep.

"Why does Sasori look so high?" Hidan asked himself as he got a good look at his old cohort. "And why is he even alive?"

He immediately recognized the telltale hairstyle of Itachi's younger brother. Hidan came up behind him and tapped his shoulder.

"Hey there." He greeted. Sasuke turned around and his eyes widened considerably.

"Oh my God- Fabio!" Sasuke sputtered, shocked. Hidan rubbed his temple.

"No. Not Fabio. I'm Hidan!" Hidan huffed angrily. Sasuke immediately stopped swooning and went back into ultra-cool mode. In a skirt.

"What do you want?" Sasuke asked coldly. Hidan laughed and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Man, you and your bro' are too alike! I mean, he said the same thing to me!" Hidan chuckled deeply. And then abruptly stopped, leaning down to face Sasuke.

"Y'know, Itachi's bro', you're actually pretty damn hot. How about you give up on that mean brother of yours and come hang out with a real man?" Hidan whispered huskily into Sasuke's ear.

"How about… No?" Sasuke retorted as he pushed Hidan away and walked towards the medicine cabinet.

Only to be blocked by Hidan's arm.

"C'mon man, I'll so make it worth your while…" Hidan continued to purr. Sasuke sighed and went under the attempted wall. Hidan, disgruntled at how Sasuke was resisting his charms, turned around and faced Sasuke.

"Dude, why aren't you all up on me yet? I'm giving you a chance for some male companionship!" Hidan whined. Sasuke rolled his eyes and tapped Hidan's chest.

"Look Fabio," "Hidan!" "Right, Hidan. I'm in love with only one person right now, and I'm not gonna stop until I gain his heart. Understood?" Sasuke asked. Hidan smiled at him and patted his arm.

"You're a good person Itachi's bro', a very good person. I'll help you in your little hell-binding quest." Hidan said, grinning. Sasuke didn't smile back at him but narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"What's your natural hair color?" Sasuke asked. Hidan ran his fingers through his hair.

"Gray. Why?"

"No reason. You can help." Sasuke said and began walking down the hall with Itachi's medicine.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Hidan asked. Sasuke gave him an '_Are you stupid?'_ look and shrugged.

"The same thing we do every night. Try and gain Itachi's heart!" Sasuke proclaimed and walked a little bit faster.

"So, what exactly is the plan though?" Hidan said. Sasuke slowed down a bit before coming to a complete halt.

"I don't know." Sasuke replied sullenly. Hidan ruffled his hair good-naturedly.

"Try asking him on a date!" Hidan suggested. Sasuke thought about it for a moment.

"Okay. I'll try that." And Sasuke went on to Itachi's room. Hidan happily followed him, until the point where Sasuke's mental and physical healthiness was past its limit.

"Itachi's bro'! Watch out!" Hidan yelled in warning, but it was too late as Sasuke tripped over Naruto's sprawled body in his hallway. The medicine flailed everywhere, but that wasn't much of a worry as Hidan caught them all.

Sasuke, on the other hand, wasn't as lucky as the inanimate objects. He attempted to rise, but his ankle was twisted at an impossible angle. Hidan winced and poked at the muscle. Sasuke twitched in pain and Naruto looked towards him.

"Hey Sasuke! Are you okay? And, who's that next to you?" Naruto asked, poking at Deidara's sleeping body. Hidan saw this as the perfect chance to introduce himself and let him be seen to Naruto.

"I am called-" He began, but was immediately interrupted by Naruto's surprised shout of:

"Fabio!" This caused Deidara to snap awake.

"Fabio, un?" And the neighbors looked outside.

"Fabio?" And the neighbor's neighbors looked outside.

"Fabio? Where!" And the entire village woke up spontaneously saying:

"FABIO?"

And Hidan snapped.

"_I AM NOT FABIO! I AM **HIDAN**! NOT **FABIO**! STOP FUCKING CALLING ME FABIO!_" Hidan screamed. The entire village then went "Oh, that's okay then." And went back to sleep. So did Deidara and Naruto.

Hidan growled frustrated-like. Sasuke just snapped his ankle back into place and limped into Itachi's room. Itachi, who was simply reading his old stash of yaoi manga, looked at the pain-ridden Sasuke and the medicine carrying Hidan.

"I don't want to know, do I?" Itachi asked with a bored voice. Sasuke shook his head.

"Definitely not." And then Sasuke looked into Itachi's eyes.

"Itachi. Will you go on a date with me?" Sasuke asked bluntly. Hidan slapped himself in a frustrated way, seeing as how Sasuke's tact was at an extreme low.

"You don't do that! You're supposed to nurse him back to health and catch him off guard and _then_ ask him on a date! He's not gonna answer now!" Hidan whined irritably. Itachi, who wasn't even caring at the moment, looked at Sasuke and shrugged.

"Sure, I'll try that."

**End Chapter**

**-----------------------------------------**

Well. That's over with. In case anyone didn't know, Hidan is one of the recently revealed Akatsuki members, and he looks like Fabio, that male model dude. In the next chapter: Something happens. And see? The Sasuke-abuse came back! And I didn't mess up his face! _Ha!_ And someone said that by the end of this story Tobi and Sasuke would be dead.

They won't die. They'll just be close.


	8. A Date With Uchiha Itachi

**The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi**

I just realized that I keep putting the title on the top of the page even though it should be obvious of what the story is called. Man, I'm lame.

**-----------------------------------------**

**Chapter Seven: A Date With Uchiha Itachi**

"FABIO! I need your help!" Came the panicked voice of one Uchiha Sasuke. Hidan stuck his pinky in his ear and cleaned it.

"For the last time, I'm Hidan!" Hidan growled. Sasuke ran into the room and grabbed the front of Hidan's robe.

"Shut up and help me!" Sasuke growled menacingly. Hidan narrowed his own eyes and wrenched Sasuke's hands off him. Sasuke then went into a hyperventilating state.

"I need help! I need help!" Sasuke wailed. Hidan rubbed his temple.

"Yes, you do need help. But, is it too much trouble for you to explain what you need help _with_?" Hidan asked. Sasuke stopped and stared at him.

"_Hel_lo! I have no idea what to wear!" Sasuke said. Hidan stared at him with wide eyes and his lips pressed together in a frown.

"Oooh, I can't help you with that!" Hidan mumbled. Sasuke snapped his eyes to him wildly.

"_Why not_?" Sasuke growled. Hidan pointed at his hair as if it was obvious.

"I have gray hair. Premature-gray haired people have little to no fashion sense, and when we do, it's gothic or gay." Hidan explained. Sasuke glared at Hidan's hair and slumped on the ground next to Hidan.

"Oi… What am I going to do?" Sasuke asked. Hidan thought for a moment and winced.

"I know people with an excellent sense of fashion. But, I think you won't enjoy the answer…" Hidan started. Sasuke raised an eyebrow and sighed.

"Let me guess, blondes?" Sasuke said sarcastically. Hidan nodded and Sasuke suddenly regretted his sick sense of humor.

"No… no no no no! I won't believe they have a sense of fashion! Don't you see what Naruto _wears_ on a daily basis?" Sasuke ranted. Hidan covered his mouth as he chuckled.

"I just now noticed how gay you really are! I mean, dude, not many men can honestly give their opinion on someone else's clothing sense!" Hidan said between his laughs. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"I knew I was gay when I was twelve. It was all Naruto's fault, I swear! Like, I didn't _want_ to kiss him, but it just happened and a girl's ass wasn't really that awesome anymore, you know?" Sasuke said, sighing. Hidan patted his back.

"I know how you feel man. I didn't know I was gay until I saw your bro', then everything I thought I knew about myself suddenly went _swoop_." Hidan said, making a motion downwards with his hand to emphasize his point. Sasuke nodded and they were silent until what he said clicked in Sasuke's brain.

"Wait… You have the hots for my brother, who _I_ love?" Sasuke asked incredulously. Hidan nodded. Sasuke still stared at him.

"Then… why are you helping me?" Sasuke inquired slowly. Hidan shrugged.

"I… don't really know…" Hidan admitted. Sasuke looked away. There was a really awkward silence before the door slammed open.

"'tte-bayo!" Naruto cried into the room, Deidara not far behind.

"We heard someone needed some fashion advice, un! And so, here we are, un!" Deidara exclaimed proudly. Sasuke and Hidan, who were temporarily rendered speechless, just stared.

"Y'know… I could've sworn you locked that door…" Hidan said dazedly. Sasuke nodded slowly.

"I could've sworn I did too…" Sasuke agreed absently. Deidara just laughed and pulled up Sasuke.

"Ah, Sasuke, un! Don't you realize we're ninja, un! How did you even imagine keeping us out, un?" Deidara said as he pulled Sasuke in the walk-in closet. Sasuke cast one last helpless look at Hidan until Naruto slammed the doors closed behind him.

It was hours before they ventured out again.

Sasuke was nervously dressed in what could easily be labeled as 'The Gayest Outfit Known To Man'.

Alternatively, something like leather pants + sleeveless shirt + armbands like the ones that he used to wear all the time in season one, just gayer. Yes, it was truly gay, and truly Sasuke.

"Believe it!" Naruto exclaimed, making everyone in the entire house flinch. They all stared at him and he had the audacity to go "What?"

Everyone just ignored him and went on with life. Deidara turned back to Sasuke.

"So, where're you going for your date, un?" He asked excitedly. Sasuke narrowed his eyes and scoffed.

"You don't believe that I really going to tell you do you?" Sasuke asked. Deidara grinned mockingly.

"You don't know yourself, do you, un?" Deidara said. Sasuke immediately backed down. Hidan chose that moment to come up behind Sasuke.

My god I realized how wrong that sounded.

"I have taken the liberty of planning the date for our dear Sasuke. Seeing as how you two are famous for being screw-ups, I decided that it was surprisingly wise to not let you plan it." Hidan explained, winking at Sasuke.

Sasuke quirked a corner of his lips in response.

"So, what time is the date?" Sasuke asked. Hidan looked at him and grinned.

"It's in exactly nine minutes. You've got to meet him at the village gates, and he'll know where you'll be going." Hidan explained the panic on Sasuke's face apparent. Sasuke, in an obvious attempt to bring some of his characterization back to life, calmed down and walked out the door freakishly tranquil.

And then took off down the street at breakneck speed.

"Pay up Deidara, fifty on the spot!" Hidan said inside the room. Deidara pouted and gave up the cash.

"Man, un! How was I supposed to know he was going to end up that gay, un?" Deidara whined as Hidan flipped through the bills.

"It's obvious; Sasuke is unable to have a straight dress-sense. But hey, you bet on it, and I'm going to the mall. See ya!" Hidan exclaimed as he ran out the house.

**-----------------------------------------**

**_At The Village Gates_**

Sasuke wasn't even near being out of breath, but he was close to being out of his mind. Not only did Hidan create a major problem by not telling him where the date was going to start, but he also made him come late.

Sasuke was quite pissed.

Now all he had to do was _find Itachi_. Sasuke sighed in a really depressed way and looked around for anything that spelled Itachi-ness.

"Sasuke!"

Sasuke cursed whatever was in the sky. He said Itachi-ness, not Sakura!

"What do you want?" Sasuke asked coolly. Sakura just smiled.

"Well Sasuke, I was wondering why you were wandering around with a fairly confused look. Were you looking for someone?" Sasuke knew the translation for this.

'Sasuke! Did you finally decide that gay isn't the way and you were looking for me to explain your everlasting love?'

"No Sakura, I'm not looking for anyone." Sasuke said. Sakura's smile twitched.

"Then are you free right now?" She asked hopefully. Sasuke narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to say something. But before he could say it, a hand came onto his shoulder and the owner spoke for him.

"No, he is not free right now. He's with me." The voice sniped coldly. Sakura frowned at the taller figure next to Sasuke.

"Uh, who are you?" She asked as tactfully as possible. The figure shrugged.

"I'm Sasuke's date for the day. Now if you excuse me, Sasuke has to accompany me to the fair." The person said in a quite rude tone of voice. Sasuke twitched.

'_The fair?'_

"Um right, let's go." Sasuke said nervously. And then they went into the direction of the fair, leaving Sakura dumbfounded.

"Who the hell was that?" Sakura asked herself. The only way to get answers is to find out, and then she proceeded to follow them.

**-----------------------------------------**

**_At The Fair_**

"Itachi! What was that about!" Sasuke hissed as they moved through the crowd. Itachi smirked.

"It looked like she was distressing you. Foolish little brother, would you rather I'd just stand there and watch you suffer, which was my first thought?" Itachi asked, his red eyes glinting. Sasuke rolled his eyes and secretly smiled.

A bit of the old Itachi had shone through at that moment, minus the sadism.

"Whatever. Let's just get this date started." Sasuke said and pulled Itachi through the crowds to the kunai-throwing booth (which was an entirely too convenient game, seeing as how most of the people were ninjas). Sasuke had disregarded it when he first saw it, but maybe now he could show his brother his Mad Uchiha Kunai-Throwing Pwning Skillz®.

"Hey aniki! Watch this!" Sasuke exclaimed as he picked up four kunai and threw them in this weird corresponding way that made them slam into the same bulls-eye. Itachi scoffed.

"Little brother, how about _you_ watch _this_?" Itachi said, picking up eight and throwing them in an even weirder corresponding technique, and they slammed into the same bulls-eye better than Sasuke (who was totally enraptured by how _hot_ Itachi looked when he did that).

"Amazing aniki!" Sasuke congratulated, despite the fact that he wasn't exactly _watching_ his Mad Uchiha _Itachi_ Kunai-Throwing Pwnsome Ultra Skillz®, but instead watching how Itachi's muscles flexed when he threw them. Itachi just smirked and then they were on their way to more entirely too convenient rides and games (namely the Log Hopping ride, the Shuriken Booth, and the popular Toss-A-Ring).

**_TWO HOURS LATER_**

In which Sasuke's Mad Ninja Skillz® were proven to be not so mad after several games and challenges where Itachi proved that, "Ha ha! I'm better than you!" and Sasuke was gleeful when Itachi's shirt rode up as he stretched his arms.

Not that he'd tell anyone this, of course.

Sakura, on the other hand, still didn't know that Itachi was a guy and proceeded to continue watching. She would regret this so very much, for she listened in on their conversation.

"Wow! That was really cool!" Sasuke said encouragingly from the side of Itachi as his brother threw the ball at the bottles, knocking them over successfully. Itachi just smirked victoriously.

"What were you expecting? That I'd suck?" Itachi asked tauntingly. Sasuke just shrugged.

"You'd never know." Itachi blinked, and a feeling was erupting from the bottom of his chest. He had absolutely no idea what it was, and it scared him. It crawled up his throat and escaped through his mouth.

He laughed.

He laughed long and hard and then abruptly stopped. Sasuke just stared, his eyes twitching.

"What the hell was that?" Itachi asked, still feeling the aftereffects of the laughter. Sasuke twitched a little more.

"I believe it was called laughter." Sasuke said. Itachi just twitched himself.

"Forgive me for that… Whatever it was, Little Brother." Itachi commented. Sakura, who was still in Ultra Super Special Stalker Mode (Version Three)®, stared in disbelief.

"Sasuke!" She yelled out, almost traumatized. Sasuke slowly turned towards her.

"Yes Sakura?" Sasuke growled from clenched teeth. Sakura stared at him horrified.

"You're on a date with your _SISTER_!" She asked in an overly dramatic way. Sasuke felt the same feeling Itachi did burst through his mouth.

"Sasuke…? Are you okay?" Sakura asked cautiously, staring at the hysterically laughing Sasuke, who laughed even harder at the question.

"Excuse me, miss," Itachi said from beside Sasuke with an amused smile twitching at his lips, "But you have me mistaken. You see, I am not Sasuke's sister-"

"But you called him your little brother!" Sakura interrupted. Itachi sighed.

"I was trying to say, that I am his _brother_." Itachi said calmly. Sakura stared at him and then turned to Sasuke.

And slapped him.

"You _sick, sick freak_! I could stand it when you didn't want me! I could stand it when you were gay! I could stand it when you had that temporary crush on Naruto (which I was overjoyed that you got over so quickly)! But I can not stand that you are on a date with your _brother_! I hate you Sasuke!" Sakura screamed and ran away crying. Sasuke rubbed his cheek and Itachi looked at him.

"You did realize that you wouldn't be able to go on forever without an antagonist, if I am correct, which I am." Itachi remarked. Sasuke just shrugged and Sakura ran back towards them.

"Sasuke! Tell your stalker-ish friends to back off!" She yelled as she hid behind him. A catchy tune was heard as Sasori and Tobi walked up.

"_Old Konoha had a… _

_Girl? _

_E-I-E-I-O! _

_And this girl, _

_She was a… _

_Bitch! _

_E-I-E-I-O! _

_With a bitchy bitch here, _

_And a bitchy bitch there! _

_Here's a bitch, _

_There's a bitch! _

_Everywhere she's a freakin' bitch! _

_E-I-E-I-O!"_ Sasori sang as Tobi whistled the tune. Sasuke subconsciously started humming along, and felt Sakura hit him on the shoulder. Sasuke looked back at her with a raised eyebrow.

"What can I say? It's a really catchy tune."

**End Chapter**

**-----------------------------------------**

Man this took a long time. I mean, school had finally caught up with me and I discovered the awesome thing called The Sims 2. I wanna make Uchihacest on that game! But that's not the point. If you want to, you can use the 'Old Konoha' song. But I had some troubles with this chapter, because the first part kind of sucked. I was a bit distressed from school too (I don't care if she's in a wheelchair! I will freakin' push her _off_ the damn thing if she insults me one more time!), so I'm sorry.

In The Next Chapter: Something happens! What happens, exactly, is like how many licks it takes to get to the chocolaty center of a Tootsie Pop. The world may never know. I hope you liked this chapter, or whatever.

_Because there are only two or three chapters left!_ Have a nice day! (As for the Sakura-bashing, I'm sorry but she was the most annoying thing on two legs pre-Time Skip. Post-Time Skip, she's totally awesome, but I needed to get back at her for all of her annoying-ness from the pre-Time Skip.)


	9. Kissing Uchiha Itachi

**TSoUI**

This is how awesome I am. I dare you to say 'Kaza isn't really awesome', I dare you. This is the second to last chapter, so I'm going to really try and make you laugh here. (I'd also like a hug from at least five people before I finish this. I wanna go out with love.)

**_-----------------------------------------_**

**Chapter Eight: Kissing Uchiha Itachi**

"Somebody SCREAM!" The DJ demanded from the microphone as the participants of the fair looked up at him. Sasuke almost smiled.

"I'll scream!" He claimed, and proceeded to do just that. Itachi grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the freaked-out fellow fair-goers.

"No Sasuke, you don't scream when I'm around. Do you know why?" Itachi asked. Sasuke sighed.

"Because I'll embarrass you and screw up any of my chances of a second date." Sasuke sullenly replied. Itachi quirked his lips and patted his brother's head.

"Good little brother." Itachi congratulated. Sasuke rolled his eyes and continued to follow Itachi. At that very moment, Sakura was left _alone_ with Sasori and Tobi as they sang to her sweet songs from the heart.

"_U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! _

_You ugly!"_

She cried for hours.

Itachi and Sasuke did not know about this horrifying predicament. Nor did they even care, due to the fact that they are cold unfeeling bastards who don't care about anything or _anyone_ that they hurt on their quest for power.

Yes Sasuke, the author is _still_ pissed at you for that.

And then the sun began setting, and the Uchiha brothers began to walk home. They were actually doing just fine, at least until several kunai sliced through the air towards them.

"What the hell-" Sasuke began, but was quickly thrown to the ground by Itachi. He looked up and glared at his brother.

"Look aniki, I hope you don't really like it rough like that!" Sasuke growled. Itachi glared at him and pulled out his own kunai to reflect the opposing ones. Sasuke did the same.

"Foolish little brother, you are the absolute last thing on my mind right now." Itachi retorted. Sasuke narrowed his eyes and quickened up the pace of his kunai.

"So you don't love me?" Sasuke asked darkly. Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Yes I do. You are my little brother, and you hold your place in my heart as such. Did you know I killed mom and dad for your sake?" Itachi responded. Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"So I'm just a quick toy to play with until you throw me away? Is that it? I thought you had more honor that that, _aniki_!" Sasuke snarled. Itachi stopped his kunai fighting for one second, just to flick Sasuke's forehead.

"Foolish little brother, we haven't even kissed yet, let alone had sex! And besides, this attempt at a relationship was your idea anyway." Itachi said. Sasuke thought about it and went "Oh _yeeaah_."

"Fool."

"Shut up, and who are we fighting against?"

"I believe it's the villagers."

"…mmkay…"

Sasuke and Itachi did that ninja thing and jumped up into the trees. The attackers stopped, wondering where the attackees went.

"I know I just saw those traitors somewhere!" One voice yelled out, distraught.

"The sexy one and the molested one, they were just here!" Another one argued. Sasuke's eyebrow twitched.

"Who are they calling molested?" Sasuke whispered angrily. Itachi tapped his shoulder and pointed towards the curse seal.

"You forgot your 'Adventures with Renown Pedophile That Has a Giant Anaconda' didn't you?" Itachi asked. Sasuke frowned.

"I'd rather forget that more raucous part of my life." Sasuke said. Itachi nodded in agreement.

"I would too if I was in the same position." And then all was quiet, until they villagers left mumbling sadly about their foiled plans. Itachi and Sasuke poked their heads out of the tree and decided that tree jumping seemed safer than walking.

"Where have you guys been, un?" Was the first thing they heard before Deidara pulled them inside. "I've been worried sick, un!"

Sasuke twitched his eye and stalked upstairs to his room. Deidara looked at Itachi with a one-eyed stare that demanded answers.

"He wanted to know how I really felt about him, so I told him." Itachi said with no hints of remorse for almost breaking his younger brother's heart.

And if he did know, he probably wouldn't care.

"You are so blunt, un! Don't you know that Sasuke is a whiner, un?" Deidara asked haughtily. Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"Yes I do actually. But, how do you know?" Itachi asked warily. Deidara looked sheepish.

"Oh, Naruto told me, un."

**_-----------------------------------------_**

**_In Sasuke's Dark, Lonely, Emo-esque Room_**

"I should've known. How could I be so stupid! He could never love me…" Sasuke angsted in his room sprawled on his bed, running his index finger over a single-edge razor.

This is exactly how Naruto found him.

Naruto eyed the razor warily before stepping towards Sasuke slowly.

"Sasuke, how about you give me that razor?" He attempted to persuade Sasuke, yet only got a glare in exchange for his troubles.

"You want it so much? Take it." Sasuke snarled, throwing the razor with deadly precision at Naruto. The blonde teen realized what was happening and jumped out the way before some major damage was made. The razor stabbed into the wall and Naruto let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding.

"Hereupon, my fears are alleviated." He mumbled to himself quietly. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Where did that come from?" He asked. Naruto shrugged.

"I really don't know, I just remember laughing at it somewhere." Naruto answered. Sasuke blinked.

"Strange."

"Yeah."

And then an awkward silence occurred. Naruto fidgeted around before finally opening his mouth to talk.

"Look Sasuke, I know I haven't really been that good of a best friend lately-"

"Damn straight." Sasuke interrupted

"Shut up! I'm trying to express my feelings here! Okay, and I'm very sorry for that-"

"Sorry doesn't cut it Kyuubi-brat." Sasuke snarled, interrupting Naruto _again_.

"Okay Sasuke, that's nice, but can I please continue?" Naruto asked calmly. Sasuke narrowed his eyes and nodded.

"All right, so I _apologize_ for leaving you to the devices and plans of various others. I was so happy at finding a kindred spirit, that you slipped my mind, and I wanna make up for that, y'know?" Naruto finished, gleeful that Sasuke quit interrupting him. Said raven-haired teen looked pensive before staring in Naruto's eyes.

"Naruto, do you realize that when we were doing your plans, I got injured three times, cursed out once, and I now have to wear make-up at indecent intervals of time?" Sasuke asked calmly. Naruto smiled weakly.

"Yeah, about that… You see-"

"Those were the ones I liked the most, amazingly." Sasuke interrupted once more. Naruto blinked at him and found Sasuke smirking at him (or at least he thought Sasuke was, cuz' the room was pretty dark).

"Naruto, I need you to help me kiss Itachi." Naruto grinned.

"Consider it done Sasuke!" And then Naruto began to plot, and plot he did.

"Alright Sasuke, here's the plan."

**_-----------------------------------------_**

**THAT NIGHT (Ooooh, can't you just taste the suspense?) **

Sasuke crept down the hall to his brother's room. It was well past midnight and he was sure that the day's activities wore Itachi out. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he wondered where Fabio was.

And somewhere in his mind, an indignant voice yelled "It's HIDAN!"

But anyway, Sasuke slinked into his brother's room silently, making sure that not a sound was made as he crawled to the slumbering body on the futon. Now was his chance of a lifetime! And he was going to take it, by gosh he would.

Sasuke hovered over Itachi's sleeping face for five seconds before lowering his lips.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"_Holy crap!_" Sasuke squeaked in horror. Itachi sighed.

"You talk about my honor, and you were about to rape me." Itachi commented. Sasuke sputtered.

"I was NOT about to rape you! That is a ridiculous accusation and I shall not stand for it!" Sasuke argued. Itachi ran a hand through his hair.

"What _were_ you trying to do then? Kiss me?" Itachi asked with the bubbling feeling starting up inside him again. Sasuke blushed, and Itachi looked incredulous.

"You were seriously trying to kiss me?" Sasuke nodded. Itachi smacked his forehead with his hand.

"You are going to be the death of me, foolish little brother." Itachi said, sighing. Sasuke nodded again and moved up to leave.

But a hand gripped his arm and pulled him down.

And the next thing Sasuke felt were soft lips touching his own.

And the next thing that occurred can only be described as some hardcore making out between two brothers and to write how 'Sasuke thrust his tongue into his brother's hot, wet cavern' is too much like writing a lemon and you'll just have to imagine how hardcore it was.

And believe me, it was pretty hardcore.

After the kiss, Sasuke almost swooned with happiness, the only thing stopping him being Itachi's grip. Sasuke at that time decided to look and see how Itachi was faring, and was met with a smirk.

"Aniki?" Sasuke asked nervously, not liking the look in Itachi's red eyes.

"You know, foolish little brother, you aren't a bad kisser…"

**END Chapter**

**_-----------------------------------------_**

I hope you are satisfied. I'm not; I don't think it was funny enough. But enough about that, I really want hugs! Not glomps or anything like that, but hugs! I promise I'll end it with a bang, if I get hugs. (Kativa-chan already gives me hugs, so she automatically counts.)

In The Next Chapter: I bet you really wanna know, don't you?


	10. The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi

**TSoUI**

Last chapter, dearest readers. I feel so frickin' loved! Thank you to all who decided that Kaza needed a hug, because boy did that crazy emo kid need one.

**-----------------------------------------**

**Chapter Nine: The Seduction of Uchiha Itachi**

"Hey, Boss?"

"Yes Kisame?"

"Um, Itachi, Deidara, Fabio, Sasori, and Tobi are gone."

"…"

"And they're all at the same place, in Konoha."

"…"

"…Aren't you going to do something?"

"…Yes."

"What?"

"That is for you to know and me to find out."

"Um, do you mean 'you to find out and me to know'?"

"I know what I meant, fool! Do not question my intentions you lowly fish!"

"…O…Kay."

**-----------------------------------------**

**_In Konoha_**

"Yo, where be the emo kid?" Kakashi asked, making a glorified cameo in this story. Sakura shrugged, over her homophobic trauma, seeing as how she found a completely not-canon love in someone she just met.

"I don't know, he hasn't come out of his house in two days." She responded. Kakashi looked pensive (?) as he turned the page in his porno.

"Come to think of it, Naruto hasn't come out of Sasuke's house in two days as well. What do you propose is happening?" Kakashi inquired. Sakura just shrugged again and began thinking about her non-canon boyfriend (OMFG HET!).

"We should just wait for them, Kakashi-sensei."

**-----------------------------------------**

**_In The Uchiha Compound, In Sasuke's House, In The Living Room_**

"Alright! I've never… Made out with my brother!" Naruto slurred drunkenly. Hidan laughed loudly and Sasuke and Itachi downed their drinks. Hidan laughed even harder, his alcoholic beverage sloshing in his cup.

"Duuuuuude, you don't even have a brother!" Hidan said. Deidara hiccupped and smacked Hidan playfully on the shoulder, forgetting about his toothed palms due to his drunkenness. Hidan screeched in pain.

"-Hic- I'm his brother, uuuuuunnnn!" Deidara slugged his words carelessly.

Naruto has the best ideas ever; making everyone play 'I Never' in honor of Itachi and Sasuke's newly established relationship.

"My turn?" Itachi asked, not looking very drunk on the outside, but inside…

Well, he's not very drunk there either.

"I've never lusted after my brother." Itachi stated. Every stared at him like he was insane, and Sasuke drank. Twice.

"There were no rules stating I had to lust after my brother, so stop staring." Itachi commanded. Everyone stopped and continued their joyous drunken laughter.

"Okay, my turn!" Tobi said in perfect grammar, no third person speech or anything.

"I've never betrayed my village!" He exclaimed. Everyone except Naruto and Tobi downed their drinks at an alarming rate, even Itachi (who was still quite not-drunk).

"I've never worn orange in my entire life, and I never plan to." Sasuke bluntly stated, not looking very drunk as well, but inside…

He was totally smashed. More proof on how Itachi is more pwnsome than Sasuke.

"Damn it Sasuke! You did that on purpose!" Naruto grumbled half-heartedly as his beverage was tossed down his throat. Deidara agreed as his drink was, well, drunk. Naruto looked up at him admirably.

"You wear orange as well?" He asked, awed. Deidara grinned in this victorious way and pumped his fist.

"Yes, un! As long as it doesn't clash with my hair, then it is wearable, un!" He claimed. Naruto hugged his waist, sighing happily.

"I wuv you, bwother." Naruto mumbled as he passed out. Sasori held up his hand to signify his turn.

"I've never had interest in a girl." He said. No one drank, but Sasuke opened Naruto's mouth and dumped his drink in there.

"Deeeeeiiiiiidara's turn!" Hidan exclaimed. Deidara grinned and held up a hand for no real purpose.

"I've never… been flirted with by a girl, un!" Deidara said. Everyone drank, except Naruto because he was passed out and not liable for drinking anyway since no one's ever flirted with him. Except Gaara and Neji, but that's another story.

"Whose turn is it now?" Tobi asked with his perfect grammar. Drunken Tobi isn't as fun as Spaz Tobi.

"Duuuuuuuurr…. Dunno." Hidan slurred. Itachi, and his so-not-drunk self, rolled his eyes.

"Hidan, you're next." He said. Hidan blinked and went "Oh".

"Um, okay, I've never had sex." Hidan said, making everyone dropped their cups.

"What the hell! You have had sex! I saw you bring that hooker in your room!" Sasori claimed incredulously.

"We didn't do anything. She was just… there." Hidan said, scratching the back of his gray-haired head sheepishly. Tobi raised an eyebrow, in perfect grammar as well.

"Then what were the noises that ricocheted through the walls?" He asked, perfectly. Hidan shrugged.

"We were playing Monopoly®." He said. Itachi cocked his own right eyebrow in question.

"So… all the 'Oooooh yeah, right there!', 'I sunk that battleship babe!', and 'Ma-di-son Avenuuuuuue!' phrases were Monopoly® exclamations?" Itachi asked. Hidan cocked his head and shook it.

"I played Battleship® too."

"Oh."

"Deidara passed out." Sasori announced.

"…" Itachi, uh, silenced.

"Hidan did too."

"...Okay?"

"Tobi's out."

"...?"

"Sasuke's out like a light."

"…Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I'm about to pass out as well."

And that he did. Itachi stared at his limp body, and back at the floor littered with empty bottles of alcoholic beverages, cups, and food bags.

"Damn it."

**-----------------------------------------**

**_In The Akatsuki Hideout_**

"Kisame."

"Yeah, Boss?"

"Where exactly are they in Konoha?"

"The Uchiha Compound."

"Thank you. And how do you know this?"

"Ummm, I've got connections?"

"Good villain. _Very_ good villain."

**_In Le Uchiha Compound_**

"Welcome to Hangoverville, population: Me and my dumbass friends." Sasuke muttered darkly as he popped another five aspirin in his mouth. Sasuke, due to attempting suicide several times in several different ways, has an incredible tolerance for over-the-counter drugs, much to his chagrin.

"Shut the fuck up!" Growled Hidan from his position on the floor. Sasuke flipped him off and chewed on another aspirin.

"Uuuuuuunnnnnn." Guess who.

"Everyone should shut the fuck up in my opinion." Naruto snapped, trying to cover his ears for protection.

"Tobi's head throbs in an immensely agonizing pain…" Tobi whined. Sasori punched him and went back to sleep.

Itachi smirked in pleasure.

Sasuke ate another aspirin.

Naruto rolled on the floor, his ears still covered.

Deidara just… lied there. (w00t! Snow Patrol!)

Tobi writhed on the ground in pain.

Sasori slept.

Hidan… twitched.

Itachi still smirked in pleasure.

"Aniki, you're making me feel weird with that smirk." Sasuke said. Itachi snapped his red eye to his brother and smirked even more. Sasuke ate another aspirin nervously, thanking whatever entity for Tylenol.

I'm going to try to write a make-out scene now, so feel free to vomit when you're done reading it.

Itachi grasped Sasuke's shoulder with one hand making said teenager drop his aspirin. Sasuke turned around to tell Itachi off, but ended up with Itachi's smirking lips on his. Sasuke opened his mouth (to ask what the fuck was going on), but Itachi used that chance to thrust _his_ tongue into _his_ brother's hot wet cavern. Boo-ya, little bro. Sasuke, having caught up with his brother's game, had kissed back intensely and held on to his brother's shoulder's as he leaned into his brother's hard body. Itachi pulled away, having required the appropriate necessity of air, and Sasuke looked mildly disappointed.

"Hey, Sasuke?" Itachi asked after several deep breathes of air, to get those lungs working properly again.

"Yes aniki?" Sasuke responded picking up his abused Tylenol.

"We should do that again sometime." Itachi stated. Sasuke… well…

Sasuke grinned like never before, but hid it behind his surprisingly small bottle of aspirin.

"Itachi. Deidara. Hidan. Sasori." A smooth voice commanded from doorway. Tobi popped his head up indignantly.

"Tobi is here too!" Tobi yelled, getting smacked by everyone near him. The voice sighed exasperatedly.

"Alright, Itachi. Deidara. Hidan. Sasori. And _Tobi_. Happy now?" It asked, annoyed. Tobi nodded and flopped back on the floor to sleep. Sasuke, who was quite pissed at everyone's random entries into his house, massaged his temple.

"Okay, whoever is out there, please show your face now before I am forced to use my Mad Uchiha Ninja Skillz®." Sasuke said out loud. The voice chuckled.

"Ah, young Sasuke, still as cocky as ever." The voice mused as it moved out the shadows to reveal a man.

"Boss!" Itachi exclaimed, eyes widening.

"Bossh?" Sasori mumbled from his position on the floor.

"Boss?" Hidan asked, sitting up sluggishly.

"Uuunnnn?" Deidara asked as he just… lied there.

"Blonde man! Get out of my house; I have a limit of two blondes per visit!" Sasuke demanded. The blonde man chuckled, again, and came forward even more.

"You're an amusing child. Deidara's the only blonde here, except for me. So don't I count?" The man asked. Sasuke kicked Hidan's body out the way to reveal Naruto's limp body. The man's eyebrows rose considerably as he swept across the room to the blonde demon-host's slumbering body.

"Naruto?" He asked in a small voice. Naruto opened his blue eyes blearily and focused them on the blonde that looked eerily like him.

"Who the hell're ya?" Naruto slurred, still loitering in Hangoverville. The man embraced Naruto softly.

"My dear Naruto… I thought the villagers had killed you by now…" He said, thoroughly creeping Naruto out.

"I am going to repeat this. _Slowly_. Who. The. Hell. Are. You?" Naruto asked, stressing each word, his hangover magically gone. The man smiled and hugged Naruto harder.

"I am your father."

All coherent thoughts were screeched to a halt at this moment.

"The fuck?!" Naruto exclaimed, trying to wiggle out of the man's embrace.

Sasuke, who had now gotten a good look at the man's face, gasped in shock.

"You're the Fourth Hokage!" He said, actually surprised. The man looked back at him and smiled gently.

"You _are_ smart! Yes, I am the ex-Fourth Hokage. I am also the leader of Akatsuki. And now, I'm Naruto's father, Uzumaki Arashi." Arashi stated (gosh, I super sorry for the spoilers! Actually, no I'm not, because these facts haven't been officially proven yet).

"Wait, you really are my father?" Naruto asked, pausing in his attempted escape. Arashi nodded.

"Then…does this mean you actually abandoned the village as well?"

"Nope."

"Um…will you come live with me so we can make up for fifteen years of lost time?"

"Sure."

"Deidara too?"

"…Fine."

"_AWESOME!"_ Naruto yelled in triumph, making Hidan punch the back of his head. Itachi coughed to get everyone's attention.

"So, why _are_ you here then, Boss?" Itachi asked. Arashi grinned sheepishly.

"Well, it was getting boring without my most hilarious members, no offense, and Kisame told me where you were, seeing as how Zetsu never speaks to me and Kakuzu doesn't like me. Kisame was the only one who even played 'Pin the Kunai on Orochimaru' with me." Arashi explained. Itachi shrugged and decided not to care.

**-----------------------------------------**

**_In The Akatsuki Hideout_**

"Damn I'm bored."

"So am I."

"Hey… wanna ditch this place?"

"Better, let explode it!"

"Dude, awesome!"

"I so frickin' know!"

"But, where are we gonna get the explosives?"

"I dunno… But we'll think of something!"

"Zetsu, you are so made of awesome…!"

"You too, Kakuzu, you too."

**-----------------------------------------**

**Epilogue**

"All right! Think of something that makes you smile!"

"Porn!" The entire congregation yelled, grinning. Kakashi took the picture proudly.

Akatsuki had broken up, kind of. Seeing as how most of the members were in Konoha _and_ with family. Sasori, Tobi, and Hidan had taken residence in one of the many empty houses on the Uchiha Compound.

Sakura and Kisame were revealed to be in a convenient and non-canon heterosexual relationship. Many minds cracked in half that day.

Arashi, Naruto, and Deidara were happily frolicking as a _real_ family. Arashi also took back the position as Hokage and Tsunade decided that she wanted to be part of the family as well, seeing as how she loved Naruto to death as a grandson and saw Deidara as a wonderful granddaughter, Arashi as a great son. So, uh, now Arashi, Naruto, Deidara, _and_ Tsunade are happily frolicking as a _real_ family.

Neji and Gaara are making out somewhere _RIGHT NOW_.

Sai, despite the fact that he didn't even show up, is plotting how he shall gain Naruto's heart (_No_ this does not mean that I will write a sequel called 'The Courting of Uzumaki Naruto'. Damn it, now that I've written out the title, I kinda want to write it… DAMN YOU SAI FOR BEING SO AWESOME! I wuv u!).

Iruka is still Naruto's mommy, don't worry.

Kakashi? What else do you think he's doing?

Sasuke and Itachi decided to stay in the Uchiha Compound, after Itachi got cleared for all of his crimes when he winked sexily at the Council. They stay in the same room, but no sex, because someone told me that incest-bred kids end up retarded. It won't matter how sexy the kid ends up, it'll be a sped if Mpreg happens. Oh wait, I forgot! I don't write Mpreg (FFX doesn't count), so I _can_ make them have sex! Okay, so they stay in the same room, and sex does occur. Awesome.

As for Zetsu and Kakuzu…

**-----------------------------------------**

**_In Front of The Akatsuki Hideout_**

"Alright dude, we got dynamite?"

"Check, Zetsu."

"TNT?"

"Check."

"Explodey thingamajig?"

"Ummmm, check?"

"All right, let's blow this mofo!"

"That so freaking rhymed!"

"I know!"

"_Dude_!"

"_Dude_!"

"Okay, that's enough man."

"Yeah, okay. Countdown! 3!"

"2!"

"1!"

"This place is blasted!"

And the Akatsuki hideout was blown up into smithereens. Debris and sawdust rained down as Zetsu and Kakuzu ran off, laughing long and hard.

**End The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi**

**-----------------------------------------**

BOO-YA! FINISHED! (And it was ended with a Bang)

Do you love me? You should, since I wrote this in the freezing cold since my heater keeps going down whenever I say up. This crazy emo author loves you all as well. I really enjoyed writing this story, since I didn't even expect to get serious with it, but I actually wrote it to the end. Not a lot of people like Uchihacest or yaoi in general, but they put that dislike aside to read this, and I'm seriously appreciative. Seriously. Love and hugglez to you all, love and hugglez.

Does a sequel sound good? Uchihacest won't be the major pairing if I write one. So, if you desire a sequel, just say so.

I'll try.

(Snow Patrol pwnz u)

_This story was sponsered by:_ Tobi _IS_ A Good Boy Learning Facility and Pet The Pup Productions


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